3 response modes of parents to their children
In this world, there are people like Zuckerberg who are sunny, promising, and caring, and there are people who are cruel, extreme, and anti-social like Chen Shifeng.
Parents dream of their children becoming the former, lest their children become the latter.
What can parents do for this?
Freud and Rogers, the leaders of the two major schools of psychology, have many different views, but one view coincides: a person’s early interaction with his parents is crucial to his psychological growth.
Around us, those who have failed many times in their marriages, lack of friends, and interpersonal tensions are usually not treated tenderly by their parents in childhood.
The impact of poor parent-child interaction on children is lifelong.
The quality of parent-child interaction depends on the parents' response to their children.
I have seen children on the street raising their heads to talk to their parents, only to be yelled back by their parents. After a while, the child still speaks innocently with his parents.
I have seen children eagerly tell them something while trotting with their parents, but their parents are expressionless and silent.
But I have never seen the children show anger, indifference and disdain when their parents talk to their children properly.
Children always open their arms to their parents and look forward to their parents' response. Because the parents' response carries love and respect.
But not every parent will respond to their children with love and respect.
In reality, there are three common response modes of parents to their children: negative, avoidance, and consistent.
Different response patterns shape children's different personalities and destinies.
A reader's message was impressive:
"As a post-80s, my child is already in elementary school, but in my memory, my mother didn't say what I did right! She told my spouse confidently that I was behaved when I was a kid and never made a fool of myself. Even if I beat me, I I don’t dare to cry, because the more I cry, the harder I fight, so I don’t cry or make trouble.
"Now, if the things I buy are more expensive than hers, she says I was cheated. If they are cheaper than hers, the quality is definitely not as good as hers."
"I said one thing. The first sentence of her response is always a question. Sometimes when she shares a funny thing with her, she can always find the dark side of society inside. I can't bear it recently, I really want to explode!"
This is a typical negative parent and a depressed child.
Not letting her cry is to deny her emotions; to be picky about what she buys is to deny her behavior; to always question her words and to deny her ideas.
To be a human being is nothing more than having concepts, emotions, and behaviors. If you deny any of them, you are denying this person.
Negative parents always use actions to tell their children: this is wrong, that is bad, and this is not allowed.
Over time, children will think they are worthless and become shrinking.
The suicide of a post-90s female netizen "Zoufan" has caused widespread concern on the Internet.
On March 18, 2012, the netizen "Zoufan" posted a Weibo: "I have depression, so I went to death. There is no important reason. You don't need to care about my departure. Bye."
It was later confirmed by the police that the Weibo publisher had committed suicide.
Netizens entered her Weibo and found that her text was full of loneliness and cold humor.
The only person mentioned many times in Weibo is her mother.
"My mother always giggled when I was mad, alas, I forgive you for the sake of friendship for more than 20 years."
"There is no place to stay. Everyone who goes there says to me: You have to go. Even the mother who goes home says: You can't stay here. Every moment I look at the deadlines for leaving. I feel isolated and helpless."
When the meal was extremely depressed, her mother ridiculed her back, which made her feel desperate; when she was desperate for belonging, her mother refused, which made her feel unfeeling.
Children who have been denied for a long time feel suppressed, their self is distorted, and they become inferior and withdrawn.
2. Neglect type
Once in a mall, I saw a young mother sitting on a stool looking at her mobile phone, and a five-year-old girl next to her was lying on the stool and playing origami.
The little girl took the folded boat and said to her mother excitedly: "Mom, look, I folded the boat!"
Mom still looked at the phone with no expression on her face.
The little girl got closer and said, "Look, mom!"
An impatient expression appeared on his mother's face: "Okay, OK, mom sees it." When speaking, her eyes never left the phone.
The little girl obviously felt her mother's perfunctory, disappointed, pouting, and playing with the boat casually.
The little girl shared her feelings with her mother, eager to establish a connection with her mother, but was ignored by her mother. The little girl's heart must be full of frustration.
Long-term lack of attention may cause little girls to become obsessed with scumbags' rhetoric when they grow up.
Negative parents usually do not take their children seriously, are too lazy to respond to their children, or punish them for not responding.
This is essentially disrespect for children. Such parents are usually not respected by their parents in childhood.
A friend of the police said about a case:
A 13-year-old boy used to sleep online in an Internet cafe during the day, burglars at night, and broke his leg as a result of climbing into the room.
The police learned through interrogation that the boy’s father was paralyzed due to a work-related injury, and his mother was taking care of his father while working part-time. The parents did not care about the boy.
Without the care and response of his parents for a long time, the boy became addicted to the Internet, stealing money to play games in Internet cafes, and rewarding anchors.
The interrogation was over at 9 o'clock in the evening, and the boy under the age of 14 was exempt from punishment. The police sent the boy home to a bungalow with a yard.
The boy called his parents to open the door outside the iron gate of the yard. He shouted for more than ten minutes, but no one responded.
And through the window of the parents' bedroom, one can clearly see that the TV is playing a program.
The boy said to the police awkwardly: You don't care about me. After speaking, he went over the courtyard wall and entered the house.
In order to enter the house, the boy had to use climbing and theft. This sounds a bit ironic, and a bit heartache.
During the ten minutes of parental silence, the boy must have felt the despair of being abandoned, which slowly annihilated the boy's hope like Ling Chi.
The parental indifference, like a pair of irresistible hands, pushes the boy into the abyss of crime.
Lu Xun once said: "Only silence is the highest contempt, the highest contempt is speechless, and he doesn't even turn his eyes."
Ignorance is sometimes more terrifying than denial. It makes children lose their parents' attention and at the same time they get irrefutable denial.
A mother shared her experience online:
"Once I took my son on a train, he suddenly pointed out the window and shouted excitedly: ‘Mom, look! That train is so fast!’
I said: ‘Wow! Mom saw it too, and mom was so excited! ’
The son suddenly turned his head and said to me seriously: ‘Mom, I love you so much! After finishing talking, he kissed me on the cheek.
At that moment, I felt extremely happy. "
The mother completely accepted the child's feelings, and resonated with it, which naturally revealed it. The child felt the deep love from the mother's true and natural response.
In the consistent response mode, parents carefully perceive the child's heart, and then use language, expressions, and behavior to express their acceptance of the child.
The parents' response is consistent with the child's heart, resonating at the same frequency, and the child's growth energy is unimpeded.
The child can feel: I am liked by my parents, I feel at ease and satisfied. This feeling appears again and again, and it will solidify in the child's subconscious: I am valuable and the world is safe. Children will become self-confident and will actively adapt and transform the world when they grow up.
Therefore, parents must be keenly aware of their children and actively respond to them.
Once, I bought a storage rack from the Internet. When I started to assemble, the two-and-a-half-year-old Zai ran over excitedly, imitating me using a screwdriver to screw the screws, while talking to himself.
While I was studying with the manual, Zai Tsai pulled my pants and shouted to Dad. I hummed, still staring at the manual.
When Zaizai called his father again, I realized that he was a little anxious.
So I put down the instructions and knelt down to look at him.
Zizai grinned and said, "Dad, let's install it together."
I said yes, and while talking to him, watched him pretend to install it.
At that moment, I felt a touch of emotion in my heart, and I felt that Zaizai's appearance was very cute.
Children feel love through their parents' responses, and parents awaken their inner love through their responses to their children.
A mother in the community asked me if your family is not stage fright and likes to talk, do you have any secrets?
I smiled and thought to myself, we have been responding to him seriously, don’t it count?
The poor asked the Buddha: Why am I so poor?
Buddha: Because you have not learned to give to others.
Poor: I have nothing, how can I give it?
Buddha: Even if a person has no money, he can give five things:
1. Yan Shi means treating others with a smile.
Second, speak more words of encouragement, praise and comfort.
3. Be sincere and open to others.
Fourth, use eyes to give to others with kind eyes.
Fifth, act by example to help others with actions.
Maybe we can't give our children shoes that cost more than 10,000 $, and we can't go to kindergarten with a tuition fee of more than 100,000 $.
But we can give the child "five benefits": smiling, looking at the child with love, sincerely complimenting the child, sincerely responding to the child's words, and giving the child meticulous care.
If you can do this, your child will become sunny, happy, independent, and deeply in love with their parents.
The so-called spiritual enrichment is nothing more than the transformation of love for children into beauty, words, heart, eyes, and body.
Your response to your child's love is the best gift for your child.